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How to Deal with A Breakup and Become A Better Person

 

How to Overcome Breakups

No one likes to go through broken hearts. But it’s absolutely guaranteed that a broken heart is a part of everyone’s story. Whether it was the girl in third grade, or your first love, or even a divorce, break ups are never easy to cope with. According to social psychologists, there are five stages that everyone dealing with loss and grief goes through. Each step is a personal journey to a better life ahead of you, as you take advantage of new opportunities. The steps of grief are as follows:

Denial

When we first enter the realm of break ups or divorces, there is a part of us that refuses to believe it’s really happening. We think maybe our partner will change their mind. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will blow over. Maybe I’ll give them a week to calm down and then we’ll talk. Denial comes in many forms, and it’s easy to stay comfortably in denial. As reality begins to set in, we move onto step two.

Anger

Once our brain registers the severity of the situation, we get angry. Anger is a natural response to things that are beyond our own control. We’re angry because we our partner left. We’re angry because they aren’t doing everything in their control to make things better. It feels like a betrayal when we trusted them more than anyone else. Anger is normal, and healthy. It’s also common to be angry at ourselves for things that we should have done in the past. The trick to coping with this stage of loss is to turn the anger into something productive. Use it to get more done at work. Use it as motivation to work out. Set some new goals and channel that energy into making choices that will improve who you are a person.

Bargaining

Once the anger settles and things begin to calm down, the bargaining begins. Whether we are bargaining with ourselves: “What if I did this differently?”, or… we try to bargain with the ex-partner to get back together by saying “I can change”.

Depression

Although I might argue that depression can emerge at any point along the process, it’s predicted to come out after the bargaining stage. Depression is the times when our sadness takes over our whole feelings, and there is not anything you can do to emerge from it. During times of depression it’s important to lean on some good friends. Talk out your situation, and read inspirational things. Listen to upbeat music, and do your best to just keep chugging along. Depression will slowly fade into just a twinge of sadness, and then you’ll find yourself in the last step of grief.

Acceptance

Reaching acceptance isn’t always an easy process. Sometimes break ups are sudden or especially painful. It’s really hard to accept things that we don’t understand. I’ve found that doing your best to understand the situation is the best way to learn to accept it. Listen to the things your partner said during the break up. Think critically about the relationship, and don’t obsess over just the good things. Of course there were good times, but breakups don’t occur for no reason. Were you unhappy at the core? Was it bad timing? The important thing is to not resist acceptance. Refusing to accept a situation will keep you in a revolving door of the steps above. You’ll be stuck in anger and depression, even denial at some points.

Chances are there is always room for personal improvement after the end of a relationship. You just spent so much time focusing on a whole separate being. Imagine if you took that energy and poured it into your own wellbeing. Take this time to write down goals and achieve them. Use the extra energy as motivation to become a better version of you. A version of you that you will be proud to share with someone else in the future.

Scared to see a counselor?

 

Being scared to seek counseling is really common. After all, we’ve been taught that we should solve our own problems! Sometimes overcoming the realization that we need help isn’t an easy thing to do. Even if whatever your challenge is isn’t serious, admitting that we can’t fix the situation ourselves is difficult. Maybe you know what you should be doing, but you aren’t motivated to do it. Maybe you’ve just got a couple roadblocks to overcome. Whatever it is, you’re thinking that talking it over with a counselor might be helpful, but you’re a little scared to get started. Counseling can be the first step you take in making a difference in your life.

Here are some things to think about while considering seeking some guidance:

Hope Counseling | Session

 

It’s only a conversation

Sometimes all it takes is one meeting with a counselor to get the advice we’re looking for. Maybe it’ll take two. Maybe you’ll decide it’s really helpful and become a returning client. Either way, you’re not losing anything by just making one appointment.

You run things

If there’s a topic you don’t want to discuss, you don’t have to talk about it! Sometimes people are afraid that counselors will try to get inside your head and read your thoughts. Although this would be an amazing super power, I don’t know any counselors that can actually do that. If there is a topic you don’t want to talk about, just say so. If you feel like the conversation is going in a bad direction, say so. You have the stage to work on whatever problem you want to work on.

It’s Effective

You know how just venting to your friends is so cathartic? Imagine that your friend was actually educated in how to help you perfectly. That’s what counseling is. Many people have overcome depression, relationship issues, or self-esteem issues just by working through their problems with a therapist. They’ll help you look at your situation from a different angle.

Start with a phone call

Call the office and request to just talk to someone on the phone, to get a feeling if talking it out is something that can help you. You’ve got nothing invested, and you’re totally anonymous. If once you talk to the counselor for a bit, you’ve decided that it might be helpful to schedule a full session, go ahead! You’ve already made huge progress.

3 Major Breakdowns on Grey’s Anatomy

mental breakdown

Television can teach us a lot about what happens to people in certain situations, particularly the traumatic and difficult ones. While Grey’s Anatomy might not always be medically accurate, it does get one thing right: the psychological breakdowns. We have seen this in 3 major events in the past decade of Grey’s Anatomy.

Meredith’s “Shoot Me Instead” Speech

We all know from her “pick me, choose me” speech that Meredith would take a bullet for Derek. She proved this in season 6. People had been speculating suicidal tendencies in Meredith Grey for years, and this was the final proof they needed. This isn’t her first experience at flirting with death either, hence her college nickname “death”. Meredith offers herself up to the gunman partly because of her love for Derek, but also partly because she’s okay with dying herself. It wasn’t until well after season 8 that we watched Meredith actually fight for her life.

Would she have consistently been chasing death if she had a better childhood? What if Ellis Grey were mother of the year? 

Christina’s Silent Treatment

After the plane crash at the end of season 8, Christina Yang was not herself. We see her being somber, passive, and silent. It was terrifying to see such a lively personality become so bland and empty. Eventually, when she did talk, a part of us wished she had stayed silent. She told Owen of the trauma she experience while staying awake for 4 days, something she might not have been able to do with anyone else. She found comfort in Owen, who worked through his PTSD issues with her in the past.

Would these two have been such a strong couple had they not bonded over traumatic experiences? It’s hard to say.

Arizona’s Cheating

Once “Calzona” said their I Do’s, time stood still for those short few minutes of the episode. We LOVE Calzona; everyone does. There is something magical when they are together, but when they fall apart, we (the viewers) fall apart with them.

Season 9 ended with the  episode “The Perfect Storm”. There could not be a more fitting title out there for this episode, you could describe a relationship that is being destroyed a storm. Callie finds out that Arizona cheated on her with Dr. Lauren Boswell when realizing that Arizona’s wedding ring is pinned inside Lauren’s scrubs. Remember now, this is not the first time that Callie has been cheated on (George, her 1st husband also cheated on her). Callie is the strong fighter that we all know and love, that has so much on her plate that she often pushes things to the side and never deals with the issues head on. 

Unfortunately, Arizona’s cheating did not end with Dr. Boswell. She then subsequently has an affair with Leah Murphy, a surgical resident, and tries to hide this affair from Callie as well. After this affair, Callie decides to face this affair head on, unlike in the past, she goes to her dad for advice and learns that he one put her mother in those same shoes that she is wearing and they turned out just fine. 

In the end Callie chooses to forgive and forget Arizona’s indiscretions and throw herself into the relationship to make sure that their relationship will work out in the end  They choose to move out of their current apartment, the one that has all the memories of Mark, Arizona lying in bed recovering from the loss of her leg and other bad parts of their life.  As we end season 10 Callie and Arizona are once again in a good place, and we can only hope that season 11 brings back the marital bliss that we all once enjoyed between this couple.  

Would Arizona have cheated on Callie had she kept both legs? We’ll never be sure, but it’s doubtful. When Arizona lost a part of her, it changed her. She felt broken, as if her wife is trying to fix her – and then someone else came along and felt attracted to her, as is.

 

 

 

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How to Get through an Argument with Your Mate

Okay, so maybe that’s easier said than done. Each of us reacts to anger in our own, unique way. Some people can let the little things go, while others get lost in their emotions, seeing only red, and often acting unreasonable.

First, it’s hard, but try to understand what is making you unhappy, so that you can have a rational, adult discussion with your mate. Even simply reflecting before you respond shows a great deal of respect.

Then, ask yourself how severe your problem is. Was it unforgivable, or was it something minor than you can let go? If it’s the latter, try letting your guard down. In a battle, someone has to back down; it doesn’t work well if both parties are overly combative. If the issue isn’t that huge in the grand scheme of things, try hard to let it go.

It’s like the infamous professor story:

  • A professor picked up an empty mayonnaise jar and filled it with golf balls.
  • He asked the students if the jar was full. They said that it was…
  • The professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
  • The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
  • He asked the students again if the jar was full. They said that it was…
  • The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The sand filled up everything else.
  • He asked once more if the jar was full. They said that it was…
  • The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities; the rest is just sand.

(Read the full version here- http://www.biz.colostate.edu/mti/tips/pages/MayonnaiseJarandTwo-Beers.aspx)

Relationship Advice: Men and Women Communicate Differently [INFOGRAPHIC]

Making a relationship work is all about communication, love, and respect. First, understand that men and women behave and converse differently, which means they sometimes interpret body language and actions contrary from the true message. Women handle their woes and emotions differently from men, and a lack of proper empathy is often the downfall to many couples.

Helpful tips for communicating with the ladies:

  • Sometimes, women have a hard time asking for help. She may be aware that you’re not a mind reader, but she still may feel too weak or proud to admit it. Sometimes, simply asking if there’s anything you can do to help is the best gesture.
  • Don’t size-up your finances unless she specifically mentions it, you may worry more about your income than she does.
  • Even if it’s a small lie, it will make everything so, so much worse when she finds out.
  • Women… just… cry. She may not know why or when, but it’s a natural thing and it happens to many women. Crying doesn’t mean she’s mad or sad, it simply means she’s feeling emotional, and it could be about anything.

Helpful tips for communicating with men:

  • Playing shy or unavailable is one thing, but when a girl plays excessively hard to get, it can cause him to lose interest, so be careful. Avoid serious head games at all costs.
  • He’s sensitive about his looks too; if you expect compliments from your guy, be ready to give some too.
  • If you don’t want him to judge your clothing size, don’t judge the size of his bank account.

 

Both genders should always avoid harsh words and name calling during arguments, as those wounds are sometimes the hardest to heal.

For an in-depth look at how different the two genders really are, browse over this intriguing infographic: 

Relationship facts revealed: Men vs. Women

Explore more infographics like this one on the web’s largest information design community – Visually.

 

Internet, Social Media, and Texting Communication is Crucial for Today’s Couples

 

Your Relationship & Current Technology

 

The convenience of the internet has been around for a while, but it’s still relatively new; for the younger generations using it is second nature- texting is as easy as breathing or thinking. The thing many don’t realize is that technology has sort-of snuck up on us, and it’s affecting couples in both positive and negative ways. The impact technology has on your relationship depends on how often you use it, and how you use it. The secret to making it work is and has always been communication; it’s no different with social media or smart phones. You have to know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it to avoid severe backlash or disappointment. For clear-cut answers with no margin for error, always have serious conversations in person.

Internet behavior and relationships boil down to two main sectors: communication and infidelity. Some couples have trouble communicating via media, and others use it as a means for meeting new people.

Many of today’s couples grew up with social media profiles, texting, and instant messaging. The brides and grooms of today were the pioneers of internet dating, which means there are still many kinks to work out. Older couples put less weight on this technology because chances are, they learned to communicate without these objects, so they put less focus on their messages and importance. If you find that you’re in an exhausting relationship with constant fighting, it’s likely one or both parties are unhappy- and clear communication is the only way to sort through it. When you speak clearly without fear of judgment, you’ll find that many problems are due to a simple miscommunication.

Other couples may have never discussed boundaries, which means one party could be misinformed about which behaviors are acceptable and which ones go too far. There have been many people who have caught their significant others sending inappropriate messages to other people. This might not seem like a big deal to one party, but it could destroy and hurt the other.

Take these five tips and hold them in a safe place, because one day, you may find yourself arguing about a text, a Facebook post, or even a television program. When that time comes, you’ll know the best way to handle the situation.

•    When you’re officially in a committed relationship, many people expect to list the status publicly on Facebook. It’s a new status of dating, honestly, people now ask “Did he add you as his girlfriend on Facebook” or “Did she make it Facebook official”. It’s one thing to wait a few weeks before updating, but if you’ve been dating a year and the other person refuses to add you as a significant other, it’s a red flag. Sure, it may be nothing, but it could also be something…. this is an area that requires proper communication. If you don’t ask, it will bother you until you bring it up at the wrong time.
    Trust your other partner the way you would if you didn’t have a window into his or her life. If you see a photo or a comment from someone that seems or feels fishy, ask about it before assuming the worst. The picture could be a sibling, cousin, or someone else that poses no threat to your relationship.
    Remember that your past is documented, so it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll never see photos of an old flame. While you don’t want to highlight the past, you can’t ask someone to delete photos or memories from their life- but you can ask them to clearly make the album private or named as “old”.
    Avoid conversations that warrant a long response, serious thought, or extreme emotion. This is especially true during an argument because you can text as fast as you think, with no filter, and that is dangerous. We all think things when we’re mad, but they’re not always things we mean or things we wish to say to the people we love.
    Never air your personal arguments or fights on a social media status. Venting feels good, but sharing too much information with all of your friends could make them think less of your significant other, which is not ideal if you have hopes of working things out with that person.